The aftermath of a selfish desire turned into an upset stomach with an emergency trip straight to the little boys room. As I finished my business, suddenly, I recalled reading about a medical doctor who blasted the use of toilet paper. There was a roll of white toilet paper hanging beside the WC tank and I wondered how we, in this part of the world, ended up wiping our tender areas with paper that doesn’t actually do the job of cleaning anything at all.
You can call me ‘ras’ or local, but I clean up with water any time, just like the doctor recommended, because water does the job perfectly!
You may wonder how I ended up with a troubled digestive system. Mama Basira amala is total to be blamed! Who can ever resist the delicious, and tenderly cooked assorted meat with hot-hot amala delicacy? It’s pure heavenly bliss. You know, once in a while, it’s never a crime to spoil yourself and tell yourself, “Hey buddy, you deserve a treat for all the hard work!”
Today, I simply couldn’t take my mind off Mama Basira’s amala and those juicy, delicious and tender goat meat cooked in ‘obe ata ton taa soson.’ This is Yoruba, and it means, ‘peppery stew that smells so good!’ I tell you, the urge was unbearably palatable and I eventually succumbed to my temptation.
In case you’ve derailed from the initial thoughts, I was wondering how we, as Nigerians got down to the tissue paper level of wiping our backside when water does the job far, far cleaner and better.
The earliest record of tissue paper dates back to the Chinese in the 6th century. Trust the Chinese with paper, they can make human beings out of it! Traditionally, people in Africa, the Middle East, and the Indian subcontinent use water with the perfect mechanical action of the left hand.
Men, to say the least, like me, have no issues without tissues (pardon my pun!) of getting down to business and properly cleaning up with water. According to Nigeria’s legendary Afro beat musician, Abami Eda, Fela Anikulapo Kuti, ‘omi olo ota o!’ This means, water has no enemy (Yoruba)
For women ‘sha’ there might be a little issue. Remember your privates are closer than that of the guys. When you wash after pooh, chances are that traces of fecal matter may still linger and enter where it should not enter especially when water goes splashing here and there. This is one nasty way of getting urinary tract infection (UTI). My recommendation to ladies, please use wipes. Then use water. In order words, if you must wash, wipe first in order to reduce the fecal load.
Another pointer was what Ibu Isti, an Indonesian medical expert said, that tissue paper is made from recycled paper which contains dioxin, an artificial whitener, and is harmful to health. She said that this is one of the root causes of rashes and cervical cancer in women.
And now the final blow to this toilet paper brouhaha. We have all experienced this more than once; that annoying injury to our sensitive regions below. Sometimes you wipe with toilet tissue and notice blood, eww! That sounds like the onset of some serious rectal infection.
As an African and a Nigerian (clearing my throat with a cough), I hereby pass the motion for a bill from the honorable House of Representatives that every Nigerian must use water and soap to clean up no matter your status. Toilet tissue paper shall, henceforth, be banned from every public and private toilet in the country. If anyone is with me on this, let me hear you say AYE!